Friday, May 07, 2010

Three Easy and Full Proof Methods to Get Writing Done.

Why do writers need to be reminded constantly that in order to be a writer you must write? It’s so fucking annoying.

I think the business of giving advice to writers must be very lucrative. Either that or we are just all a bunch of very generous folk who must spend their precious time telling other writers their methods on [fill in blank], especially on how to actually sit down and get writing done and retweeting quotes from famous writers on writing.

I just read five blogs on the subject. Among them, 13 Tips on How to Actually Get Some Writing Done and Five Tips on How to Become Allergic to Adverbs.

I am overdue on my contribution, so here it is.

1. Sit down. Turn computer on. Open a blank document. Put fingers on keyboard. Move fingers up and down and side to side. Ignore your dog who wants to go play fetch. Give her a huge bone to chew on when she starts barking. Sit your ass down again fast. Put fingers on keyboard. Move fingers up and down and side to side.

If No. 1 fails, try this:

2. Collapse face down on your bed. Bury face in your pillow. Start sobbing and punching pillow. Tell yourself what a loser you are for procrastinating. Tell yourself you will never finish that script, novel or blog post. Tell yourself you are lazy, sad sack and do not deserve success of any kind. Remind yourself about that talentless hack “friend” of yours whose screenplay entitled “Sunshine Millionaire” was made into a movie that got into Sundance. Remind yourself that hack is now “doctoring” scripts for Universal.

3. Repeat 1 and 2 as needed.

You’re welcome.

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