Life, with the dull bits cut out.

Sometimes dogs are not as supportive as cats.

2012-02-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

I can’t put the whole film online yet, but here’s a very exclusive clip that the whole world can see because it’s on Youtube.

It was a good Friday too.

2012-02-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

I was so sad by Ben Gazzara’s death on Friday that I neglected to post I had just been notified my film got accepted into the San Diego Latino Film Festival. I haven’t had a film there since 2003 and this is very exciting for me. Seeing my film projected in a huge theater is my reward for all the hard work. I’m also nervous because this is the first short I’ve shot on digital. Film (as in celluloid, in case you’ve forgotten) projects very well regardless of the exhibition format, but I have no idea how the Canon 5D Mark II footage is going to look projected that big. It will definitely be a learning experience which I am really looking forward to.

The festival will run March 8-18, 2012. Screening details to come.

The last of the Husbands is gone.

2012-02-03T16:32:00.000-08:00

Weird. Earlier today I posted how much I missed John even though I never met him. He died on February 3, 1989. And now, 23 years later, Ben is gone. I did get a chance to meet him, although very briefly. After his Q&A at the Cassavetes retrospective at the Cinefamily last March, I fought my way through his other fans just to shake his hand and thank him for his work. He was very gracious.

Tonight I will post the video of that Q &A for you to enjoy and remember them both as the great artists that they were.

Good Mondays don't come around very often, but

2012-01-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

when they do, they're very, very good.

Yes, yes, I’ve been neglecting the blog. This one at least. I’ve got three others.

As some of you already know, I got rear-ended on my way to San Diego on December 30^th and I’ve been carless for a month. So I’ve been preoccupied dealing with the aftermath and a bit more self-absorbed than usual. If that’s even possible. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

I was able to buy a car yesterday and now that things can go back to normal, I can fake a sunny disposition and pull it off. I even said a cheery good morning to a couple of coworkers today. They turned to each other and asked “what the hell is wrong with her?” My day improved exponentially when I received an email from The Boyle Heights Latina Independent Film Extravaganza (BHLIFE) letting me know that Heartbreak in 209 Cuts was selected for this year’s festival. That made me skip down the hall while singing “I’m walking on sunshine.” I’m not joking. I really wanted to get in this festival. It’s for, by and about minority women, grassroots, in a great East Side community and really cool. It’s the type of festival I like because you really get to meet wonderful filmmakers and make relationships that last.

The festival takes place from March 2^nd-4^th. I will post my film’s screening date and time when they let us know the schedule. For more info on BHLIFE click HERE.

After a bad December and a worse way to end the year, I can honestly say I feel optimistic. For now. Ok, who are we kidding? It won’t last. But I’ll enjoy it for now. But not too much for fear of tempting the gods that hate me. Ugh.

No. 6 I hate LA because

2012-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

Nothing is
ever
as it
appears.

Photos property of Teri Carson, all rights reserved.

My Year in Pictures-2011

2011-12-29T16:46:00.000-08:00

The year I binged on the Tree of Knowledge.

See you next year.

The Villain and the Superhero

2011-11-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

I got this lovely email this morning:

Subject: 2012 SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL NOTIFICATION
From: programming@sundance.org (External Utility Mailbox) (programming@Sundance.org)
To: carson@dizzydentfilms.com
Date: Wednesday, November 30, 2011 2:29 AM
RE: 4388-USF - Heartbreak in 209 Cuts

Dear Teri,

On behalf of the Sundance Programming staff, I would like to thank you for submitting your film to the 2012 Sundance Film Festival. Unfortunately, we are not able to include it in our Festival program. We received more than 11,700 films for consideration this year, which obviously did not make our decision-making process any easier. We selected less than 180 films from around the globe, so the competition was stiff to say the least. Please know that your film was carefully considered by our team, and we truly respect your hard work and dedication as an independent filmmaker. We wish you the best of luck with the project and look forward to the opportunity to view your work in the future.

Sincerely,
John Cooper
Director, Sundance Film Festival

***

I was expecting this since I'm aware of the odds, so it’s no surprise. I wish they’d just write “Sorry, nope.” instead of sending a cliché-filled bullshit form note. The problem with getting an email like this is that rejection awakens that vicious voice in your head that screams YOU ARE NO GOOD. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR FILMS. And it’s very difficult to silence the fucker because it wants to kill who you really are and what you want to do. For in the artist lives the superhero and the villain who are one and the same and wage an eternal, ruthless war.

Today, I have a battle to fight. I hope your day is much easier.

Penis vs. Vagina

2011-11-22T10:34:00.000-08:00

A friend just sent me this LA Times article on a USC study on gender equality in Hollywood.

Here’s an excerpt:

There is one area where women surpassed men in films in 2009 — they bought more than 50% of the movie tickets sold in the U.S., according to the Motion Picture Assn. of America.

Females represent half of the population and half of moviegoing audiences, but they don't hit a third of the characters," Smith said. "Male consumers aren't the only ones going to the movies, but our cultural storytellers today are male. The problem is really thinking about the perpetuation of the status quo.

We’ve seen and talked about these studies before and what can be done to even up the field and do away with sexism in entertainment. I won’t get into it. However, it made me wonder if audiences are even aware of the gender of those characters they connect with the most. It made me wonder if the men are aware.

This week I watched the American Masters documentary on Woody Allen and he talked about this subject. He said that up until meeting Diane Keaton he only wrote from the point of view of the male characters. Allen credits Keaton for showing him that women were far more interesting than men. He had written Annie Hall to show what was in his clever head from Alvy Singer’s POV; but in the editing room he realized the story was not really all that great or even interesting. He noticed the parts that were compelling were Keaton’s. He then re-edited the film and made it Annie’s story.

In The Descendants, a movie about a man who has neglected the women in his life, the daughters and the wife in the coma are far more interesting than the Clooney character. The characters keep on talking about the wife and you really want to find out more about her. In terms of mainstream film structure this could be considered a major flaw but at least it’s realistic. I think it’s cool than a woman in a vegetative state is more intriguing than George Clooney so it works for me.

It’s funny (and unfortunate) that feminists with a stick up their ass have called Allen and Lars Von Trier misogynists. It’s clear that they do not understand the material because they are preoccupied with being offended. If you look at Von Trier’s filmography, after Europa he switched over to female protagonists, and in his latest masterpiece, Melancholia, he shows us what he really thinks of men.

Do you know the gender of the characters you connect with the most?

La-di-da, la-di-da, la la.

Become aware so that your prose is not self-aware.

2011-11-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

Just one piece of general advice from a writer has been very useful to me. It was from Colette. I was writing short stories for Le Matin, and Colette was literary editor at that time. I remember I gave her two short stories and she returned them and I tried again and tried again. Finally she said, ‘Look, it is too literary, always too literary.’ So I followed her advice. It’s what I do when I write, the main job when I rewrite… Adjectives, adverbs, and every word which is there just to make an effect. Every sentence which is there just for the sentence. You know, you have a beautiful sentence — cut it. Every time I find such a thing in one of my novels it is to be cut.

Georges Simenon

Meeting Heroes

2011-11-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the great pleasure of meeting two of my filmmaking heroes after seeing their latest film, The Kid with a Bike. I’ve admired and envied Jean-Pierre and LucDardenne for a long time and I wasn’t going to leave the Egyptian without thanking them for their films. No fucking way. Too many of my heroes are dead and I wasn’t going to let go of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity; especially since it was their first time in Los Angeles.

I expected them to make a dash for the Official AFI Fest black limo so I darted out of my seat, pushed bodies out of my way and ran outside very much prepared to throw myself in their path. To my surprise, I didn’t have to make a fool out of myself because they stayed to chat with their fans and to pose for pictures. They are so down to earth and gracious and I can see how their work is a product of their character. Their generous disposition was also evident during the Q&A after the film. Most European auteurs get annoyed when asked to explain their films, but the Dardenne brothers were very enthusiastic to offer insight into their process. (I will post video of the talkback this weekend.)

When my turn came, I shook their hands and said “Je veux vous remercier pour vos films. Je suis réalisateur et je suis tres jalouse de votre travail. Je veux faire ce que vous faites.”* They laughed, thanked me and posed with me. They even checked my phone screen to make sure the photo was acceptable and asked, “Zitz Ohkae?” waiting for my approval. Of course, they are filmmakers.

The Kid with a Bike touched me on a very personal level about which I will write later. It was a great night.

*Translation: I want to thank you for your films. I’m a director and I’m very jealous of your work. I want to do what you do.

To be miserable, I do no. 5 and 10.

2011-11-08T16:18:00.000-08:00

Artist and illustrator Keri Smith has assembled a top ten list of what not to do, dubbed How to Feel Miserable as an Artist.

Just because I think we are the cutest...

2011-11-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

A thank you letter to Mr. Leo McCarey

2011-10-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. McCarey,

May I call you Leo?

I know you’re dead but I’m writing to thank you. I’ve never thanked another artist for anything in my life. That’s because very few have moved me to action like your film did. And as a result of that action I made an old man very happy. It didn’t cost anything except a few minutes of my day. Not even cell phone minutes since I called from my work phone.

Tuesday night I finally watched Make Way for Tomorrow, a film I did not know about until Criterion released it two years ago. I was familiar with a lot of your other films and The Awful Truth is one of my favorite comedies, so I was quite astonished when I started to read about it and its subject matter. Even before seeing it, I thought of Tokyo Story and how Ozu must have seen your film, “one of the great unsung Hollywood masterpieces.” Turns out he did, and as moving as Tokyo Story is, Make Way for Tomorrow blows it away. I know. That’s saying a lot, but bear with me.

Yes, I agree with Orson (he lets me call him that). Make Way for Tomorrow is the saddest movie ever made; it would make a stone cry. But I disagree with Errol Morris that it’s the most depressing movie ever made. Well, it’s depressing if you just sit there and think about how awful it is to get old, your parents and family and not do anything about it. I will never forget the emotions you, Lucy and Barkley elicited. Yes, the emotions were (and still are) almost unbearable and painful but very necessary. Pain makes you feel alive as no dose of happiness can. The emotions were so powerful, that even after sitting through the ending once, I had to rewind and watch it several times until I couldn’t take it anymore and Lucy and Barkley’s expressions were tattooed on my consciousness. When it comes to film, I’m a masochist.

I wish everyone would see this movie, but I can already hear the comments, “A black and white, 74 year old movie with a sad ending? Get the fuck out of here.” So, whoever is reading this blog post, see the email below and take it as a raving review.

Teri,

I was so surprised and pleased you found the time to call me. I never get any phone calls. [Son] used to call me - only when he needed a personal favor, and I haven't heard from him in the last few months. [Other daughter] NEVER calls me. Oh, she is responsive to my a-mails and she initiates an e-mail , but never physically ever calls and speaks to me. And [daughter-in-law] Never calls.

Realize this: I am a very lonely old man. I miss my wife. And I miss my family. [A BUNCH OF PERSONAL FAMILY STUFF I CAN’T POST HERE.]

Again thanks for your call. I look forward to the next.

Love, your Papa

While it’s true that no movie ever changed the world, I’m positive yours has changed people into kinder sons, daughters and human beings. You are the kind of artist I aspire to be. I thank you and my father thanks you, even though he doesn’t know about you and your movie and how it made me realize some awful truths.

With gratitude and admiration,

Teri Carson

Fun day.

2011-10-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

Great sense of accomplishment.

Moviemaking without actors and accepting you might be a little retarded

2011-10-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

For me, as I imagine for most filmmakers, the hardest and most frustrating part of making films is getting actors and crew members to commit to showing up and then actually getting them to show up. 99% of people are flakes and they will leave you stranded if they have something they’d rather do than work on your film. It’s scary. I don’t stop stressing over this until everyone is on location. If this was an easier process, we would probably make more films more often. And then there’s the money issue.

Since I want to be making films all the time, I need to come up with new and creative ways to work with my resources, but also to expand them. I’ve wanted to learn how to animate for a long time. I have lots of ideas that are just sitting there because I can’t execute them. Also, classes and software are expensive. New knowledge doesn’t come easily.

A few years ago I signed up for an animation with After Effects and PhotoShop class at community college. I failed. More accurately, I quit before I could fail. On the first day of class, we were supposed to make pieces of fruit and vegetables dance around the screen and eventually converge into a portrait. Like Mr. Potato Head, except it was a Mr. Pineapple Head. The broccoli floret was supposed to be nose. I just couldn’t get the fucking carrot sticks to bust a move; I couldn’t make it work. I finally got the teacher’s attention and asked for help. She came over and very quickly “explained” the steps. But she was a bad teacher. The kind that just does it for you really quickly and expects you to get it. I decided to drop out of the class because, if that was her MO, I knew I wasn’t going to learn anything, let alone turn produce into the Dancing with the Stars ballroom. In retrospect, I could have stayed and struggled but I didn’t because I didn’t like feeling stupid. That was the only time I didn’t get how to do something. That was the only time I’ve quit something. (Well, that’s not exactly true. I quit a theater acting class after the teacher called me a head in a cart. The world never got to see my Kafka’s Metamorphosis soliloquy, which I adapted and was going to deliver rolled up like a cockroach. But that’s another story.)

So for years I’ve been launching and closing and launching and closing PhotoShop and feeling quite retarded. Accepting that there might be something that’s difficult for you after a life of everything coming easily is a bitter process. But I have accepted it and Saturday I learned that you have to get past that fear of finding out you’re not all that in order to evolve into a better human being.

The first thing I told the instructor (Cosmo Segurson) is that PhotoShop is my archenemy. He told me he also struggled (hard to believe after seeing his work), and that if I kept on using it eventually I would get it. Sure, that’s what everyone says. These days I’m not the shy person I used to be and during class I became one of those annoying students who’s always raising her hand for help. I paired the gesture with the words “I don’t get it, I don’t get it,” and the instructor would run over. Now, that’s a good teacher.

When I finally got the hang of it, I became euphoric with the possibilities. If I stuck to it, I would be able to do stuff using Final Cut Pro and PhotoShop, software I already own. All I’d need is me, my camera and a higher tolerance for PhotoShop failure. More importantly, I am now armed with the knowledge that saying “I don’t get it” won’t fucking kill you.

Below is a very basic video I made in class. You don’t have to look very closely to see I suck at PhotoShop. However, I am happy to announce that, even though it took me all day yesterday, my skills have improved and I will have another sample to show you very soon. Triumph will be mine!

ME ME ME ME ME...

2011-10-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

"I also learned that to love a man is bad for strong, independent women. It’s the equivalent of fries. We want them and boy do they taste good but in reality they make us fat and unhealthy and have almost no nutritional value. Men can try to make us believe that jizz is nutritious but it’s not." Me

The cool chicks at Fempire Fandom thought I'd be a worthy interview.

HERE IS the full interview.

Lunch time activities: Revolution

2011-10-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve been wishing I lived in New York City for the past few days just so that I could participate in the occupation of Wall Street. I’ve also been researching what demonstrations are going on and being planned in Los Angeles. I wrote a Tweet I didn’t post: “Revolution is brewing and you people are tweeting about a dead gazillionaire.”

This afternoon at around 1:15 I leave my office to get a sandwich and as I’m walking out of my building I see something is going on a block away. I know what it is. At least I hope it is what I think it is. I run back upstairs and grab my phone and Flip camera and head over there. By the time I got down there the intersection of Figueroa and 7th is swarming with LAPD; I look up and see helicopters. It’s going down bitches.

I start recording immediately and suddenly find myself in the middle of the street among the protesters. A large open deck truck carrying people is smack in the middle of the street inching into position. On one corner, Chase Bank and right across, Bank of America. I just keep on recording and chanting and taking pictures at the same time. I hold back tears. I can’t believe I’m there. I've never been in the right place at the right time.My faith in Americans is renewed and I'm surprised my love for humanity is still in me. It’s the first time in a long time I feel truly alive.

Things get a little tense when protesters who have entered Bank of America start getting arrested and thrown into the paddy wagon. These people are real heroes. Would I get risk arrested again? I don’t know the answer to that. Yet.

The whole thing is over in about 40 minutes. The speakers in the truck thank the LAPD for being good sports and demand they get a raise. Then I head over to the Chase ATM and get the $40 I needed. I get back to the office and ask a coworker to go get me a gyros since I didn’t get lunch.

Viva la Revolucion!

A Birthday Epiphany from Signore Antonioni

2011-09-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I read an Indiewire interview with Todd Solondz that really depressed me. (You know the kind of depressing that can only come from having to accept reality? Yeah. That.) Solondz is incredibly talented; a true and unique voice in cinema. Moreover, he has made several films with movie stars and he’s an indie film icon who’s at the top of the talent and achievement ladder. He’s the real thing and not exactly a film business outsider like most of us. He was actually “considered” to direct a Charlie’s Angels movie. But get this, the dude has to teach at NYU to make a living. He explains:

I teach at NYU. I love teaching, thank god, because it gives me security and I have great pleasure doing it. I don’t want to have to work on things that don’t interest me. There was not much calculation to this career. It wasn’t done by design. This is what I write now, and this is what I make. Consequently, you pay a price. It’s just very expensive, so who’s going to put money into me? I’m one of the millions who will talk about how grim this finance situation is. I don’t think it’s cyclical at this point; there’s going to be a shift. Whatever audience I had 10 years ago has shrunken.

Click here for more on the Solondz interview.

So that nagging sensation in the back of my neck I’ve been ignoring for years because it’s telling me I’ll never be able to quit my day job is real. My choices are to quit making films or accept it and continue making those films I CAN make while earning a living doing something I care nothing about. It’s a crazy, crazy choice, isn’t it?

And then there’s what the birthday boy, Michelangelo Antonioni, said:

Making a film is not like writing a novel. Flaubert once said that living was not his profession; his profession was writing. Making a film, on the contrary, is living—at least it is for me.

This total commitment, this pouring of all our energies into the making of a film—what is it if not a way of life, a way of contributing to our personal heritage something of value whose worth can be judged by others?

So there it is. Filmmaking is not a way to get out of a job so you can have a life. Filmmaking is a life. My life. Your life?

Maya Deren didn’t have a regular teaching gig, so she died at the age of 44 from health complications from frequent starvation. She literally died for her art.

I guess what I’m saying is, get a job.

New website and Official Trailer

2011-09-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it sure took me long enough but that’s what happens when you have to do shit yourself that you don’t know how to do. I think my page has been “under construction” for over 4 years now and I’m very happy to finally have a working website.

‘Tis done

I give you….(sorry yes, you have to click on it to see the website)

DIZZYDENTFILMS DOT COM

Also, here’s the “official trailer.” I realize it’s a bit long for a 7 minute short, but I wanted to showcase the song (Nena Anderson's "Over You") and some shots I wasn’t able to work into the film.

Just draw.

2011-09-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I helped my friend shoot footage for his documentary “Comics Are Everywhere.” We spent the afternoon at artist JJ Villard’s apartment and filmed him while he worked on a piece for an upcoming solo show.

Spending time with fearless, young artists is always eye-opening and inspirational. JJ started working at his desk, but later moved to the floor and got comfortable on his stomach while he sipped on Pacifico. It was like watching a little kid get lost in his coloring book. He just drew and drew while we chatted. I remembered I used to be that little kid. I drew because I loved it; not because I thought it would bring success. JJ said when he was a little kid he’d run all over the house in search for a blank piece of paper to fill. He drew because he loved it and never gave the future much thought until 11th grade when his friends were applying to colleges and he had no idea what to do.

Artists covet the blank page; writers fear it. But why should it have to be this way?

I asked JJ at what point he got judgmental of his work. He said not until he was finished. I wished I felt that free. I judge every word and punctuation mark as soon as I put it down. (I’m not even going to think about what I do to myself while I’m directing.) Why can’t I just be like him? Really, why?

JJ started his drawing by putting down blotches of color and later filling in the detail with pen. And he wasn’t afraid to use white out when he needed it. He said he loved mistakes; that it makes the work more accessible to people because they can relate to it. That’s true. We can admire perfection but we can never relate to it.

I made a mental note of JJ’s technique and I’ve decided to use it and be more like him. From now on, I will write as if I’m drawing and I will sketch/write every day. I won’t aspire for perfection because it’s not even a good thing. I will just do it and not give the future a thought.

Chasing the Squirrel

2011-09-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

I’m making a list of all my potential projects and asking myself what I want to shoot next. They’re all good, some cheaper, better and funnier than others. I try to visualize the movie. And then I realize, there it is again. That word. MOVIE.

In my tiny, insignificant corner of the movie business, I’m a studio executive because I hold the checkbook. I decide what to shoot, for how much and when to shoot it. When I first think of an idea I get very excited, start writing and end up with masterpieces. Then the studio exec takes over and tells me “Those are not movies. They’re scripts. You can’t throw away good money and valuable time on a script.”

I wonder how many aspiring screenwriters actually ask themselves the business questions like “Who wants to see this crap?” The pros do it all the time. They have to if they want to get the assignment or if they want to sell a spec. If you want to become a professional, you have to write like one. And you won’t write like one until you act like you’re in the movie business and ask yourself the questions the people with the money ask. You’ll be getting paid to write MOVIES, not screenplays. To put it bluntly, a mediocre movie writer gets paid, a brilliant scriptwriter doesn’t. Scripts get sent to the drawer, movies get on the screen. (Yes, there are brilliant screenplays that are not movies. Yes, I know, some screenplays get to be movies when they shouldn’t. But those are conversations for the coffee house.)

So you’re writing a script about the European road trip you took after your divorce. I’m sure you’re loving the wacky, witty, one-liner filled screenplay you’re writing. Screenwriting is such fun, isn’t it? Try pitching it to a civilian and see if her eyes light up when she says “I want to see that movie!” Remember the dog in Up? The movie is the squirrel. That’s how you know if you’re writing a movie. People react like the dog in Up when they hear your idea.

I will illustrate with a well known film’s pitch (as we were told it happened).

INT. ROOM

A writer holds up a model boat with one hand.

WRITER

A bunch of fisherman trapped

in the middle of the sea.

A big wave is coming.

STUDIO EXECUTIVES

Squirrel!

FADE OUT

Nobody knows where the squirrels are, but every body knows when they see one. Just make sure you’re okay with spending your whole life sending screenplays to the drawer while you try to come up with a squirrel. I’m not. That’s why I make my movies.

P.S. Here’s a link to my notes on the WGA Foundation’s Notes on Craft Premise & Concept panel which might be helpful. (This year’s is coming up and I highly recommend it. You can stream it if you’re not in Los Angeles.)

I hate L.A., it’s quite ridiculous ...

2011-09-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

...and it really parodies itself.

Once in a while I come across a story in which I become obsessed. The item below is from yesterday’s The Eastsider LA Daily Digest.

Cypress Park woman scratches out a living as a chicken sitter
By Christopher Yee

The urban chicken has become a new status symbol for those seeking to live sustainable lifestyles. Owners can let their chickens out in the morning before they go to work, put them inside after they return home and collect fresh eggs at their leisure. However, what happens when these friends of fowl want to leave home for a few days?

They call Cypress Park resident Anna Goeser, proprietor of Easy Acres Chicken Sitting, to “babysit” their chickens. Goeser has been raising hens for 15 years, but she noticed that she could turn that skill into a business in January when she came across many people on the Eastside were raising chickens.

“Once I had my own chickens, I realized I could never go anywhere. People babysit dogs and cats all the time, but when it comes to chickens, they don’t really know what to do,” said Goeser. “A few people needed someone to watch their chickens over the holidays, so I thought I’d give it a try.”

A few tries later, Goeser has consistent business through word-of-mouth advertising and her website, with about a dozen customers from Culver City to Monrovia. Her chicken sitting rate begins at $25 a day but the final price depends on the requirements of the individual job in addition to mileage. Goeser has been an urban farmer for 20 years and offers gardening and harvesting services in addition to sitting for an minimal fee on top of the price for sitting.

The standard rate includes twice-a-day visits to let the chickens out of their coop, feed and water them, give any medication necessary, clean up excrement, collect eggs and eventually putting the chickens back inside for the night.

Goeser is willing to also help take care of other animals like dogs, cats and even 100-lb. tortoises at a negotiable rate. “I’ll help out with any animal or pet as long as I feel comfortable doing so and have at least some knowledge of the animal,” she said. She does have her limits, though. “I turned down one business proposition to take care of 13 parrots, a flock of chickens, parrots, and a dog and a cat. It was too big a menagerie for me, like a jungle on Mulholland.”

After spending several years in Oregon and becoming a master gardener there, Goeser feels that the shift to sustainable living is a change for the better. “In Oregon, that’s sort of just how people live. They grow and eat their own vegetables, but of course it’s a much more agrarian environment. It’s nice to see it happening in California. People are finding ways to do it, and I’m glad to help,” said Goeser.

***

This is what Los Angeles is about and the reason why I will probably live here for a while longer. I think it’s the funniest place on earth.

If I adapt, I die.

2011-09-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve pinpointed where most of my discomfort with life comes from. It comes from my refusal to adapt. But because I don’t adapt, I feel like I have more ideas with more and more popping up at a faster rate than ever before. It seems like the older you get, the more ideas you get. (This may be the only good thing about getting older.)

The problem is that my path has its own life and the decisions don’t come easily.

Movies and Rockets

2011-09-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Let’s not fool ourselves. Making movies with no money is the same as trying to build rockets to fly to the moon in your garage. We know it’s pure lunacy and yet we still do it. It’s difficult and costly work that may or not pay off but we still do it. And we constantly ask ourselves why we’re doing it while we’re doing it. If you’ve made one film and want to do it again, you know you’re fucking batshit crazy.

I have a lot of ideas, I want to do a lot of different things and lack focus and organizational skills. (Don’t judge. I’m working on it.) Add a Libra’s indecisiveness and the fear of fucking it up to this equation and you have days, weeks, and sometimes even months and years of eternal farting around without finishing anything. This malady has a name. PARALYSIS.

I don’t remember getting to work this morning. As I drove all I did was think about what project I was going to commit to next and what my approach would be. I wrote and rewrote the screenplays in mind. Some were more along the crowd-pleasing side and others along the Teri-pleasing side. It’s difficult trying to decide between you and me until I remember I know what I like and I don’t have a goddam idea of what you like. This is why I can’t cut it in the Factory of Mainstream Entertainment. I won’t waste one second trying to figure out what people want because it’s phony and stupid. Remember: Nobody knows anything.

A friend recently sent me an excerpt where Louis C.K. talks about what he does and why he does it the way he does.

On being honest:

I like to do standup that's very honest. I don't think it's the only way to be a comedian. Some people the whole point of their act is that they're lying or being fantastic or really silly or absurd. I think Steven Wright is a great comedian. Nobody says, "God he's so honest." He's not one of those guys. He just has a whole different thing that makes him funny and makes him great.

For me, what guides what I decide to say or do onstage or not is, "Is this shit really true? Is this really shit you're thinking?" If it's not, you're gonna feel phony and stupid. I don't like phony. I don't like it for me.

There's times I've been getting huge laughs with a bit and then I look at it and I go, "But it ain't real." I don't really mean it. I just knew where to go to find laughs. So sometimes I throw that kind of material away after I kill with it a few times.

To me, it's not important on an integrity level. It's just that it's so much more fun to say shit that's really inside you, that really gnaws at your brain, and to share those thoughts with other people. And especially if they're thoughts that people aren't used to sharing in a humorous way, things that people aren't even used to saying out loud.

I mean beyond saying "fuck" and talking about sex. The really embarrassing unsaid truths. Those are really fun to tell an audience and have them laugh. It's something that I really enjoy. That's why I'm doing standup this way. It's because I like it.

If you are familiar with Louis’s work, you know the man picked himself over us. He does what he thinks is funny. And by reading the excerpt above you can see that it was a process that took a while to develop and embrace. By stripping away artifice and putting forth his truth, he's coming up with the funniest, most wicked and moving work anywhere. Louis pretty much restates what I’ve heard over and over again from artists, filmmakers and writers I admire. Be honest, do what you love and you’ll reach the moon. That’s it.

I usually turn to Cassavetes and Tarkovsky when I need some cheerleading, but I’m adding this to my go-to list. I will do my thing with the hope that at least one person gets it. I’d rather be crazy than feel phony or stupid. No way.

A post commenting on 73 writing tips

2011-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

So I’m sitting here writing a short story based on the half-written script I’m planning to direct next, and I get the urge to procrastinate. Naturally the first idea I got was to clean out my email and I came across a draft with the following list entitled, “How to Become a Better Writer.” There’s no link, but I’m pretty sure I got it from a writing advice blog when I used to read writing advice blogs. I don’t any more. There’s only so much advice you can take until you realize only two pieces of advice really matter: write everyday and don’t use adverbs. I’ve looked over the tips and concluded that I already do most of these things instinctively. It’s a no brainer really. If you’re a born writer/storyteller, that’s just the way you operate.

Here’s the list and please keep in mind that this is not my advice. I’m not qualified to give anyone advice on anything.

1. Become a blogger.

Duh. I have four, including a now-abandoned food blog and one for one of my characters. And I’m thinking of starting a fifth one. I like to be ignored, mkay?

2. Use self-imposed word limits.

I don’t do this, but I’m a lean writer anyway.

3. Accept all forms of criticism and learn to grow from it.

I definitely have this down after a long and painful road of taking and giving notes. I give as hard as I can take and I won’t be coddled or coddle anyone.

4. Read what you’ve written over and over, until you can’t find any more problems.

Jesus yes. Sometimes I go blind for a while.

5. Show what you write to a trusted friend for feedback.

I don’t like to bug people but you go ahead.

6. Outline. And then write to that outline.

I’d rather write to a beatsheet. It’s easier to write and more flexible.

7. Edit, and edit again.

Duh. My first drafts are perfect. Aren’t yours?

8. Live with passion.

Yes, but passion is often misunderstood because it requires you have strong opinions about things. You have to get to the point where you don’t give a shit and I’m pretty sure I’m there.

9. Be open, curious, present, and engaged.

I’m especially open to finding the beauty in everything around me.

10. Take a break between writing and editing.

Amazing how a masterpiece can turn to shit by sitting in a drawer for a few days.

11. Learn a new word a day.

This is nice but then you fall into the must use this word and it always comes across as self-conscious pretentious writing. Also, you’ll forget it. I’d rather read with a dictionary and look up the words as I go along.

12. Get the pen and fingers moving.

I guess this means write.

13. Write in different genres: blog posts, poems, short stories, essays.

I write screenplays (shorts and features), short stories, essays, and yes, blog posts. A novel is next but I will never write a poem thanks to a woman from a writers group I attended just once. She read a poem entitled “American Muscle” and it was about her boyfriend’s penis. I also stopped going to writers groups after that.

14. Read grammar books.

I got my Strunk & White (two in fact) right here next to Aristotles's Poetics and Lajos Egri’s The Art of Dramatic Writing, the only books on writing you’ll ever need.

15. Write without distractions.

This is hard when you have a selfish black Labrador munching on your chair to get you to play fetch. I get fewer distractions at work, which is where I am right now.

16. Challenge yourself: write in a crowded cafe, write on the toilet, write for 24 hours straight.

Does tweeting from the toilet count? It’s 140 characters but it’s SOMETHING.

17. Take a trip. Road trips, beach trips, bus trips, plane trips.

I can do that. I just can’t write or read while I’m getting there because of motion sickness.

18. Watch movies. Can you write the story better?

Everybody thinks they can write the story better. Hence the proliferation of amateur screenwriters. Buy a lottery ticket already.

19. Write. And then write some more.

All right. I get it.

20. Read, think, read, write, ponder, write – and read some more.

Reading makes me want to write and writing makes me want to read. A true conundrum.

21. Read your stuff aloud to anyone who can stand it – including the cat.

Not a chance.

22. Go back and cut 10% from your word count.

To do this, you have to be able to figure out percentages. I’m lucky that I’m good at math.

23. Talk to people.

24. Listen to how people talk.

I don’t mean to brag, but I have a good ear for dialogue. I like to eavesdrop on little kids, teenagers and grouchy old men.

25. Read lots of books. Both good and bad.

I can’t read bad books. I couldn’t even get past the first paragraph of The Da Vinci Code.

26. Make notes of your (fleeting) brilliant ideas.

I have a fetish for notebooks and have a box of them I intend to fill with words. Maybe a few doodles too.

27. Start your writing ahead of time – not hours before a deadline.

This takes a lot of discipline. The only time I meet a deadline is when it’s not self-imposed. I just shot and finished a film in two weeks because I had to. Otherwise, I’d still be editing.

28. Listen to podcasts on writing tips.

No way.

29. Use simple, declarative sentences.

Why say “the precipitation is upon us” when it’s obviously raining? Only a stuffy, insecure character would say that to impress.

30. Avoid passive voice.

But passive-aggressive is OK, right?

31. Limit your use of adjectives and adverbs.

Limit on adjectives yes. Never use adverbs. It’s lazy writing and lazy writing is bad writing. Find a way.

32. When in doubt, cut it out.

33. Kill clunky sentences.

34. Be inspired by other art forms – music, dance, sculpture, painting.

I go to museums and galleries as often as I can. As a filmmaker, I’m actually more inspired and influenced by photography and painting than films themselves.

35. Read your old stuff and acknowledge how far you’ve come – and how far you have to go.

It’s funny to see how much you used to suck now that you’re brilliant.

36. Write for publication, even if it’s only for the local newsletter or a small blog.

I used to write film criticism but it was a time suck. The free movies were nice though.

37. Make writing your priority in the morning.

I’m not a morning person. But I do try to write something as soon as I get to work.

38. Keep squeezing words out even if you feel uninspired.

I don’t do this as often as I should.

39. Tell everyone: “I’m a writer.”

I’d rather not unless they ask. It’s enough that I know I am.

40. Recognize your fear and overcome it.

I’m getting good at this. It’s even better when you share your fears. That’s why I have the blogs, tweet and offend with my status updates on Facebook.

41. Let your articles rest and then return to them with fresh eyes.

42. Comment on your favorite blogs.

I don’t have favorite blogs but if I go through the trouble of reading the post I might as well comment.

43. Keep a journal to keep the writing juices flowing.

I have so many I don’t which one to pick up anymore.

44. Use a journal to sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I can’t believe the thoughts that make it to the page. But honesty is crucial to mine true emotions and that’s what makes a story shine.

45. Keep it simple.

Simple, not simply simple.

46. Practice monotasking. Set a timer for uninterrupted writing.

Must do this since I can be like the dog from Up (“Squirrel!”), but what’s even more helpful is to set a time to be away from the internet.

47. Watch people.

Oh yes. People won’t tell you who they are, but they will show you.

48. Get to know someone different from you and reflect on the experience.

I believe this is called acquiring empathy.

49. Try new ideas or hobbies – the more variety you have in your life, the more likely you are to keep on generating good ideas on the page.

I already have too many artistic interests. My problem is focus.

50. Read works from different cultures. It helps keep your writing from tasting stale in the mouths of your readers.

51. Rethink what is ‘normal’.

Nothing is normal. C’mon. We’re all fucked up or will be fucked up in one way or another.

52. Work on brilliant headlines.

Annoying, but necessary.

53. Check if your assumptions are right.

I’m always wrong.

54. Join a writing group. If you can’t find one, form one.

Just make sure there’s no poetry allowed.

55. Write during your most productive hours of the day.

Check. I write while I’m at work.

56. Designate time to research.

I’m not one of those people who use research as an excuse to put off writing. Actually, I just make shit up. It's easier.

57. Take time to muse and mindmap.

I muse plenty. I expect to be run over by a bus one of these days.

58. Map out a writing schedule for your project and stick to it.

Oh gawd. Okay. I know this is very important. I’ve done it and I’ve failed at it.

59. Ask someone else to proofread.

I would but I’m at work and I’m not supposed to be writing. This post will be full of typos and grammatical errors.

60. Read Zinsser’s “On Writing Well” at least once a year.

I own this book. I never read it.

61. Break out of your comfort zone.

I can’t remember the last time I had a comfort zone.

62. Write at the scene. If you want to write about a beach, get a picnic rug and go write by the sea.

Cool tip.

63. Go to the supermarket, the ball game, the class room, the building site. Make notes of the sensuous details, the atmosphere, the people.

I do this but with a camera.

64. Start with metaphors and stories.

Where else would you start?

65. Approach writing with gratitude, not just with a ‘must do this’ attitude.

Of course I’m grateful. I don’t know how people who do not have an artistic outlet cope with life, I really don’t.

66. Deconstruct and analyze books and articles you enjoy.

Who has time for this?

67. Know about story architecture. Many writers don’t. Which is like doing heart surgery or flying an airliner by intuition. Survival rates are low.

Ugh. Structure. My nemesis.

68. Socialize with other writers.

I would, but they won’t leave their house.

69. Stretch or exercise in between writing.

I’ll try to remember to try, but a shot of tequila is pretty relaxing too.

70. Make a note of ideas for further development before you leave a piece for tomorrow.

71.Use mindmaps for inspiration.

Don’t know what a mindmap is. Google it for me.

72. Take risks – don’t be afraid to shock. You are not who you think you are.

I have no problem with this since I don’t expect anyone to read what I write. As soon as I find myself hiding something, I know it’s time to put it down on paper.

73. [Please add your own suggestion in the comment section!]

I guess my No. 73 would be to start a piece as something else. I’m a screenwriter and a filmmaker so most of my ideas are visual. I’ve found that if I’m having trouble with structure or figuring out what the story is really about, it helps me to write a short story from the protagonist’s perspective (first person). If I get the character’s inner life out of me, then I can clear the way to tell a story visually. It works really well for me. It gets me writing right away and it’s fun. Which reminds me, I have to get back to that story.

Heartbreak in 209 Cuts: Press Clippings

2011-08-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I was interviewed for an article, the reporter ended up writing that I said Mexican films were crap and spelled my name "Terry Carlson." Apparently this is typical of the press. I didn't say that by the way and it was especially cringe-inducing to read since I'm Mexican and my film was a selection at the San Diego Latino Film Festival. Yeah, GULP. That they changed my name was really what bothered me the most.

I got interviewed over the phone yesterday and after hanging up I realized I blabbed and expected to read some abomination. I was relieved when I read the article this morning. I just need to clarify one thing:

I told the reporter that the best part about making this film was learning that I was capable of so much more in terms of the technical aspects of filmmaking. I was referring to post production. In the article the reporter writes:

...but it is her first attempt at taking on every technical role in the film making process and creating a short film completely on her own.

I was talking about editing, sound design, mix, titles, etc. I had a crew and I wouldn't have had such a great experience and results without them, especially my DP Giancarlo Ruiz. But I don't blame the reporter, I blabbed too much.

You can read the article below as well as other press the MCASD alt.pictureshows event is getting.

La Jolla Patch Article

San Diego City Beat (Where Giancarlo gets a nice kudos.)

I’ve seen a few of them, and I can assure you that it’s worth stopping by the Global Wanderlust Station, where you can catch former San Diegan Teri Carson’s short, Heartbreak in 209 Cuts, a sharp little film about a girl dealing with the aftermath of a breakup. Technically speaking, it’s a comedy featuring some terrific cinematography from another local, Giancarlo Ruiz.

Here is KPBS film critic and cinema expert Beth Accomando's analysis of the works by Tijuana-based filmmakers (and friends) Cathy Alberich and Aaron Soto. I'm really looking forward to seeing them and their new work.

http://www.kpbs.org/news/2011/aug/24/review-altpictureshows-2011/

San Diego Reader article

La Jolla Light article

Museum-goers will be free to dip in and out of rooms at will to sample an offbeat cross-section of films linked either by a common theme, sensibility, or both in what promises to be an evening where “physical channel surfing” is encouraged.

I'm really excited to hang out but a little nervous that my dad is going. Last time I showed him one of my films he was catatonic throughout. And of course I hope my Mexican family doesn't show up with mariachis.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Unbelievable

2011-08-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

I submitted the title on Monday and today it was on my page. Good thing I google myself often.

HEARTBREAK IN 209 CUTS IMDB PAGE

Also, if you're in San Diego on Thursday evening, try to make the alt.pictureshows event at the Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego. It's a lot of fun.

HERE FOR MORE INFO

MCASD/alt.pictureshows Press Release

2011-08-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

I just received this from the museum. I am so excited to see some of my San Diego/Tijuana filmmaker friends, hang out and see some great shorts. I can't wait.

* * *

http://www.mcasd.org/about/press-room/news?AID=147

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART SAN DIEGO PRESENTS NINTH ANNUAL alt.pictureshows ON AUGUST 25

Annual short-film festival, presented by MCASD and Muse Chasers, returns to La Jolla

August 15, 2011

On Thursday, August 25, 2011 from 7-10 PM, San Diego's premier short-film showcase alt.pictureshows returns to MCASD La Jolla (700 Prospect Street). Curated by filmmaker and MCASD Film Curator Neil Kendricks, the ninth annual alt.pictureshows features 17 smart and provocative short films that will delight, engage, and challenge moviegoers. The one-night-only event is $5 general admission and free to MCASD Members.

This year’s short-film gauntlet of indie-minded, cinematic works pushes the envelope of what can be achieved in the short-film format, ranging from the winner of Best Short Film at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival, Matt Piedmont’s Brick Novax’s Diary, to the hard-hitting, kitchen-sink realism of British film director Daniel Mulloy’s Baby. This year’s event also includes the playfully irreverent Logorama, the 2010 Academy Award winner for Best Animated Short Film.

Part art happening, part film installation, and always engaging and fun, alt.pictureshows also features surreal animations by Kelly Sears, Cesar Cabral, and the new experimental short, All Flowers in Time, by Jonathan Caouette of Tarnation fame. Many of the program’s short films have not been rated and contain adult content.

The event will transform MCASD’s Sherwood Auditorium and additional indoor and outdoor venues within the Museum into the ultimate micro-cinema experience. Museum-goers are free to dip in and out of rooms at will to sample an offbeat cross-section of short films linked either by a common theme, sensibility, or both in what promises to be a marvelous evening where “physical channel surfing” is encouraged.

The screening of Cathy Alberich’s documentary Ready to Wear, which follows three women from both sides of the border united by their love of vintage clothing, inspired a unique installation in the Museum’s downstairs thoughtLAB, a reading room traditionally used to give Museum patrons a deeper look into the exhibition on view. Mannequins featuring garments from Tijuana’s clothing designers and a multimedia presentation will showcase how fashion has inspired art and film in the region. On the adjacent Miles Terrace, guests will enjoy a fashion show at 8 PM, along with a cash bar and DJ-spun music.

ALT.PICTURESHOWS 2011 LINEUP:
(as of August 15, 2011; more films to be announced)

‘TOON TOWN TROUBLEMAKERS’ DETENTION HALL, SESSION II (Sherwood Auditorium)

• Jupitor Elicius (6 min.) by Kelly Sears
• Storm (10 min.) by Cesar Cabral
• Logorama (16 min.) by Francois Alaux, Herve de Crecy and Ludovic Houplain
• Brick Novax’s Diary (16 min.) by Matt Piedmont
• Comics Are Everywhere Extended Trailer (3:10 min.) by Neil Kendricks

GLOBAL WANDERLUST STATION (Axline Court)
• Heartbreak in 209 Cuts (7:27 min.) by Teri Carson
• We’re Leaving (13 min.) by Zachary Treitz
• Skateistan: To Live and Skate Kabul (9 min.) by Orlando von Einsiedel
• Three Wheels (16:30 min.) by Tony Wei

DELIRIUM ALLEY (Coast Room)

• All Flowers in Time (14 min.) by Jonathan Caouette
• Danse Macabre (8 min.) by Pedro Pires
• Yearbook (10 min.) by Carter Smith
• Baby (25 min.) by Daniel Mulroy

READY-TO-WEAR CRASH PAD (thoughtLAB)
• Ready to Wear (25 min.) by Cathy Alberich

THE WAILING WALL (Miles Terrace)
• Orlando’s Donde Vas music video (4:43 min.) by Aaron Soto
• Orlando’s Solo Dios Sabe music video (4:42 min.) by Aaron Soto
• Santelle’s Unamonos music video (6:24 min.) by Aaron Soto

*Hi-res images and press kits available for select films; please contact lmasterson@mcasd.org or 858 454 3541 x119.

MCASD's Film Program is made possible by grant support from The James Irvine Foundation and contributors to MCASD's Annual Fund. Institutional support for MCASD is provided, in part, by the City of San Diego Commission for Arts and Culture.

MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART SAN DIEGO

Founded in 1941, the Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego (MCASD) is the preeminent contemporary visual arts institution in San Diego County. The Museum’s collection includes more than 4,000 works of art created since 1950. In addition to presenting exhibitions by international contemporary artists, the Museum serves thousands of children and adults annually at its varied education programs, and offers a rich program of film, performance, and lectures. MCASD is a private, nonprofit organization, with 501c3 tax-exempt status; it is supported by generous contributions and grants from MCASD Members and other individuals, corporations, foundations, and government agencies. Dr. Hugh M. Davies is The David C. Copley Director and CEO at MCASD.

Institutional support for MCASD is provided by the City of San Diego Commission for Arts and Culture.

www.mcasd.org

No. 5: I hate LA because

2011-08-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

living here allows and
encourages me to neglect
my memory.

Production Journal, Heartbreak in 209 Cuts: First Fail and Blah Blah Blah

2011-08-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

I finished the mix last night and decided I wasn’t going to touch the film for a while. So the edit stands until I come up with brilliant, artistic ideas to make it better. I’m coming down from creative euphoria and beginning to feel fatigue. If I let myself I’ll become exhausted, but I can’t. Not yet. I have to get the film out of my computer and into the world as soon as possible. I will try to do so by Friday night because I really want Sunday to be a day of lazy movie watching from the couch. And NOT my movie. I’m craving Bergman.

Because I wanted to test the film today on one of my work’s expensive flat screen televisions, I tried to author an HD DVD with DVD Pro last night. I’ve only used iDVD which is very easy to figure out. I had never opened DVD Pro and it was clear you really had to know what you were doing. I did not, of course I did not, but it didn’t stop me from going for it. Why not? It’s the theme of my life at this moment. I just messed around dragging and dropping until it worked. I went to bed and this morning I had a “success” message and the computer had spit out the burned DVD.

I then tried to play it and, after a few seconds, the film would just restart and stop in the same place, and so on. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to watch that handy instruction DVD that comes with FCP that tells you exactly how to do it right.

I haven’t submitted any films via Withoutabox in a while and was shocked to see how much their prices have gone up for the “power submitter” packages. It’s such bullshit. I’m not giving them and IMDB any of my money especially since my name didn’t come up when I was entering the crew’s information. Giancarlo’s and Sylvia’s did. I have several IMDB credits and I don’t understand why my name is not linking. This irks me to no end. I’m still stewing over a director friend of mine who added me to his project and somehow fucked up and gave me the “alternate name” of “Jose Perez.” That’s his name. I’ve tried many times to remove it and those fuckers won’t. Maybe I should just change my name to Jose Perez and THEN my name will pop up on WAB. I can imagine people looking at my page and wondering, “So, wait, she’s a tranny?” Fakkk.

Also, I didn’t bother to write a logline and a short synopsis before logging into WAB, so I had to write “blah blah blah” in the box in order to skip to the next category of information. I hate writing loglines and synopses. It really requires a lot of thinking that really doesn’t apply to the type of stories I tell. Or so I like to think. Being vague and misleading is annoying. Being literal is boring. Being provocative to stand out is hard. It’s difficult to strike the right balance and I hate to be put in that position. But it’s necessary. So that’s what I will be doing today. When I’m done procrastinating.

One of the things I did while procrastinating was to read the Sundance submission FAQ. Yes that’s how far I can go. I was planning on mailing my film on Monday thinking it was a postmark deadline. Wrong. It’s a “received by” deadline. I called the festival’s office to find out their office hours. Nine to five. That means I’ll have to drive all the way from Silverlake to Beverly Hills Monday morning before work. Wilshire Boulevard on a Monday morning. It’s not very indie of Sundance to have offices in Beverly Hills. They should be down the street from me. At least I live in LA and I can do that, but is my time worth it just to save $15? I have to ponder that a bit more.

OK, have to go clean the employee bathroom and then offer to get everyone’s lunch and then I will I sit down to write the goddamn logline and synopsis. But first, a muffin. Maybe a banana nut muffin…

Production Journal, Heartbreak in 209 Cuts: 7:21:20

2011-08-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

IN

209

CUTS

I sent a draft to a few trusted colleagues/friends and their impressions and suggestions enabled me to cut down the film to an acceptable (to me) running time of 7:21:20. And that’s including credits. I counted 209 cuts and that's the title I'm sticking to. All there is left to do is a few minor sound and title sequence adjustments and the film is good to go. That is, if I can figure out Toast.

I’ve always been envious that my Tijuana filmmaker buddies are able to tackle all aspects of post-production on their own. In the past I’ve had editors, sound designers and mixers and others to do the title sequences. This time, it was all me. I won’t say that I created wonders, but I’m happy with the results and I feel I’ve grown tremendously as a filmmaker. I won’t lie. More than a couple of times I was able to do something by accident. Mostly, it was by trial and error but without much struggle, which was very surprising. Very surprising. Just like when a baby is learning to walk, decides to go for it fully expecting to fall and then is shocked when he doesn’t.

Every step I’ve taken forward started out paranoid and lacking in confidence. That’s why I can’t believe that I conceived a film (that doesn’t suck) and finished it in five weeks. This proves that you have to make up your mind to do something and then have a set deadline. I’ve learned a lesson and I hope it sticks. However, I think I will stay neurotic, paranoid and expect the worst because, after all, this is no budget filmmaking. That way, I'll always be pleasantly surprised.

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: On my ass, having a blast.

2011-08-08T10:47:00.000-07:00

On my drive to work today a bizarre feeling took over me. At first I couldn’t even recognize it so I started to think about it while I just went with it. I feel like a chick flick cliché. I never would have imagined that in the span of only 5 weeks I’d be my most miserable and most happy. I didn’t even go on a soul-searching trip to Tuscany or fuck a hot guy. How does that happen? I asked myself if I should take the credit. Of course at first I was reluctant, but I couldn’t really give it to anyone else this time. I made a decision to work through pain and disappointment and the result is in me now. Whatever that is. OK. Fine. We’ll call it “happiness.” I know one thing for sure: it’s all in the doing.

Yesterday I spent 14 hours editing, on my ass, and I wouldn’t have stopped if it hadn’t been for the two times I had to pee and the other two I had to play with my dog who was miserable to be stuck indoors the whole day. I didn’t eat because I didn’t get hungry. That’s the way it is when you’re doing something you love. When you’re having a total blast.

How does a 4-page script turn into an 8-minute film (without credits)? You give it to me to shoot and edit. Now the real stressful work begins. I have to figure out what’s best for the film and to recognize where I’m being self-indulgent. I know I’ll have to kill quite a few babies to get the screen time down. Five years ago this wouldn’t have been an issue. I was more than okay with being idiosyncratic and I have the 17-minute film to prove it. I don’t have an editor next to me quoting Walter Murch every five minutes, trying to convince me why a sequence must die. This time is just me against me. Lordy.

For once, I really feel like da bomb and believe it’s true. I’ve surprised myself and right now I don’t know what to do with the emotions that come with it. I guess I’ll just go with it.

I’ll revel in my personal accomplishments, including conquering several paralyzing fears, until I have to do the titles on PhotoShop and my confidence is again shut down. Fuck you PhotoShop!

Another inspiring story about perseverance.

2011-08-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the whole day at the Sundance Comedy Shorts Lab. I will report on it next week, but couldn't wait to share this anecdote with you.

The only reason Julie Delpy started acting is because Godard put her in a movie. At 14, she approached him because she wanted to work on his crew and he told her that she instead was going to play mandolin in his movie. She wrote her first screenplay at 16, wrote 15 more over the years. It took 20 years to get to 2 Days in Paris. She showed Sam Shepard a script while they were making Voyager (1991) and he told her it was shit and to stay pretty and keep acting. Everyone told her she was shit but she kept on writing. She was wasting away locked up in her house when friends literally dragged her out and convinced her to start work on Before Sunset. Then her agent fired her and told her "you're writing a shit sequel to a shit movie." (He wanted her to play a latina in a Rush Hour movie). Even after the Oscar nomination people told her she was shit. And then one person liked the 2 Days in Paris screenplay and raised 400,000 euro for the budget. Because the film was successful, she was given the money for the sequel, 2 Days in New York.

She stressed that not giving up is the most important thing and obviously she's right.

Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Teaser 1

2011-08-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

My first attempt at uploading HD on Vimeo.

Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Screenshots 2

2011-08-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Heartbreak in ? Cuts: First Set of Screenshots

2011-08-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

to be continued...

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Washing Away

2011-08-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

This is the part where I usually have very funny anecdotes about everything that went wrong. I suppose if you’re paranoid and expect the worst then you are pleasantly surprised when nothing goes wrong. Well, nothing did and I’m beyond pleasantly surprised; I’m flabbergasted. Things seem to have worked out beautifully ever since I conceived this story while running my ass off trying to get over my painful break up five weeks ago. Had I not been treated like trash, I would have never made this film. Wait, so am I saying that I’m glad I got dumped so that I could think of this story and make THIS film? Yes, I think I am. I am. That’s how crazy filmmakers are.

I’m reminded of this scene:

This film is me through and through; it represents my point of view. While we were shooting I told my crew that if you don’t laugh at all the shit that happens to you then you’re fucked. Does that mean I’m an optimist? I don’t know and don’t care. I’m just very thankful I get to do this instead of going to a shrink. Money better spent.

My Crew of Ruiz’s was a gift from the filmmaking gods. They did the work of 10 people, more or less, but more importantly, they got it and had fun. They made me cook them breakfast but I let that slide because I was in a generous mood and because of them I was free to focus on the creative aspects of directing and ordering lunch.

My DP (Giancarlo Ruiz), Ruiz 1, got what I wanted to do visually (maybe because we both have twisted senses of humor) and delivered it. How often does that happen? It was so easy to let go of my anal attachment to the camera because I trusted him. And I’m loving the results.

The sound dude, Ruiz 2, was a close friend/family who had never been on a film set before. He learned to operate the sound equipment right there and then and as far as I can tell, he got great sound. I never doubted him. The AC, Ruiz 3, was also new to a film set, worked her ass off and did a great job.

I was pretty nervous about working with a new actor. Sylvia (Panacione) was a joy to work with. She was willing to try anything and took direction very well. That’s the mark of a trained professional. She had great instincts and came up with some very funny improv on the spot. I told her she could try anything and if it wasn’t any good it wouldn’t be on the film. (I learned that from Lelia Goldoni). Yes, it’s true, 90% of directing is casting.

It’s the trust that John Cassavetes and his people talked about. It’s about who’s around you helping you make your vision a reality. When it works, it’s magical.

And then there was my Peeps. Pepa. Pepita the untrained supporting canine. She would hit her marks perfectly, but mostly when the camera wasn’t rolling. She was happy to have a house full of people, but I think at some point she was too tired and just wanted to go to bed. She’s a method actor and it worked out perfectly. It was a huge risk to write her in, but it paid off.

My confidence wanes and I have to remind myself constantly I don’t want to let down those who helped and supported me in this endeavor. So yup. It’s really up to me to fuck it up or make it work.

“I’m making this film to exorcise a pain in my soul that just won’t go away, like oil stains. I wash my clothes with movies.”—Alex de la Iglesia

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: The 5D Has Entered the Room

2011-07-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a hectic day. It takes fucking forever to get places in Los Angeles. It's an art to keep your wits driving around this town. The equipment is safely in my house, I have all the props and now all I need is to clean the house and dress the set.

If I prayed, I'd pray that the actress show up safe and sound on set tomorrow. That's it.

I've always said all I need to make a movie is me, a camera and an actor. You keep the gun Monsieur Godard.

Let's get this very exclusive party started.

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Lighting the Puppy

2011-07-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended the “Indie 101” class at Film Independent. It’s really geared for beginning filmmakers who really have no idea about much. Even though I knew most of the information I learned some cool tips and tricks (which I will share later) to achieve a more cinematic look, got to see the 5D Mark II up close and in action and learned how to operate the sound equipment and LED-Z Brute lighting kit. The LED-Zs are a pretty cool bunch. Best part? They won’t blow my house’s circuits. I still need to remember to find the breaker though.

I wanted to make love to the 5D right then and there. My love is unconditional. I know she’s not going to make things easy for me like a proper video camera would, but the results are worth all the foreplay. Once I figure out how to make her tick, I’m set. I know she can blow my mind and love me back once she gets to know me.

OK, end of not-so-pithy sexual metaphor.

So, I went home really excited about shooting with the 5D that I could not sleep. My mind was filled with ideas for shots, and focal lengths and stylish sequences but—

WAIT…

I need to keep in mind that just because I can get all these beautiful shots doesn’t mean I should. That’s not what the story is about. I need to remember to reign myself in. I’ve worked really hard not to be so self-indulgent when it comes to directing. I’m not shooting a cinematography reel here.

Story before style! Remember what’s important.

(But you can be sure I’ll try to find a way to sneak them in. At least in an early edit just to get it out of my system.)

I guess the only things left to worry about are:

1. The actress showing up. I recently learned that people do, in fact, get appendicitis right before a shoot.
2. Pepa standing still long enough for me to get her shots.
3. Lighting Pepa. I’ve never lit a black dog before and I’m concerned about the details in the black.

I just wish I didn’t have to clean the house and do laundry today.

Oh, and I just realized my whole crew's last name is Ruiz. No relation. Cute.

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Money's in the bank

2011-07-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

It’s been a good day as far as pre-production goes. Along with a check, I received the note above from the other producers of the film. “Put your best in this project.” I’m putting all of me into this project. It’s personal in many ways.

I decided I might as well run errands during my lunch hour. First deposit the check and then go the Public Library to pick up a prop. Because I’m a dummy, I didn’t wear flats. Oh well.

The weather is glorious today. I feel sorry for anyone that doesn’t live in Southern California.

The library is gargantuan and intimidating, but also pretty amazing. I wish I worked closer so I could take my lunch there every day.

Getting the book was super easy. I called it in and they had it waiting for me at the desk. Also, they have convenient check out scanners. I love that place. Why can’t everything be that easy?

This is the prop by the way:

And since it was lunch time and Mendocino Farms just happens to be across the Library, I had to treat myself to a Pork Belly Banh Mi; their playful take on the Vietnamese sandwich with braised, caramelized kurobuta pork belly, housemade pickled daikon and carrots, cilantro, cucumbers, jalapenos, chili aioli on panini grilled ciabatta.

So yeah, two less things to worry about. Tonight is off to Film Independent for an equipment orientation. This is where I start to get paranoid.

No. 4: I Hate LA because...(Muses)

2011-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Angelenos are apathetic to the homeless.

Up until last year, I had only heard of the famous Los Angeles Skid Row and I came upon it accidentally on my way to a rave (don’t ask). My friends and I had to walk 15 blocks across downtown LA (don’t ask) to get to the rave. We walked and walked and walked and suddenly tents started to appear on the sidewalk. Holy shit. One thought and one thought only took over my brain: I will never complain about anything ever again. Then we walked by a shelter or mission, as that one was called. It was full and they were turning people away. I thought, “Wow, I was really short changed in the human being department. Why wasn’t I born one of those people working in there and dedicating their life to help the unfortunate? Such work is infinitely more significant than texting aid to the Red Cross. Fuck you God.” Then, I just thought, “I’m going to a fucking rave I didn’t want to go to in the first place, my heels are killing me and I’m sleepy and hungry.” I longed for my fluffy, cozy bed.

I’ve always been fascinated and intrigued by the homeless and I’ve had many interesting (and sometimes funny) encounters with people living on the streets. They have become my muses. I love to observe them because they do really interesting stuff that is far removed from daily superficiality. During my runs, I try to take routes where I know I’m going to come across them. It seems I’m looking for life as performance; a sort of ongoing live documentary because I believe the meaning of life is found within these fleeting moments.

The underpass under the bridge is becoming populated.* I call it "Silverlake Hotel." Every evening I notice more tenants, more carts, and, furniture. Yes, furniture; armchairs, mattresses even a broken dresser. Last night was particularly fascinating. Along with the lounging men, there were two emaciated blond women smearing foundation on their leathery faces. They did not look any different than any ordinary woman applying make up getting ready for a night on the town. I slowed down, trying to make up my mind whether to stop or not. I wanted so much to ask them questions. But I didn’t. I just kept on running.

I’ve thought about taking a camera on my run, but I change my mind at the last minute. I’m not sure if what I see should be photographed, even though I am dying to document it. Besides, no one but me cares about this and how I perceive life. Still, I want to hang on to these images. It seems they’re worth something.

*Note: I took these photos last week on a walk with my dog.

Production Journal, Heartbreak in ? Cuts: Daggers

2011-07-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

I wish I could have been more productive this past weekend because I still have a lot to do in preparation for the shoot this Saturday. I had no idea transferring five rolls of super 8 film to digital would take five hours of my day. It was free, yes, but sometimes it’s better to pay than have to wait for little ole ladies that got there before you to transfer their home movies from 1965. It wasn’t all bad though. I read a whole book (How to Heal the Hurt by Hating) and I got to chat with Moy, the Levi’s Film Workshop volunteer filmmaker that was helping us with the transfer.

I’m always a bit stunned when I come across genuine, passionate people who love to serve and share their knowledge. Moy is a film enthusiast and cinematography student at a college in Los Angeles. We started to chat about the film labs around town and when I complained about Pro8’s shitty customer service he was shocked. He has been dealing with them and the other labs for a long time and told me they give him great rates. That’s when he told me he teaches cinematography workshops on the weekends for free. He believes knowledge should be shared generously and free of charge. (And so do I. This is why I have this blog that no one reads.) He also showed me some of his films on his iPhone. One of them was what he called “anamorphic super 8.” He has been experimenting with anamorphic adapters on super 8 cameras. WHAT? My jaw dropped and my mouth watered with anamorphic super 8 envy.

When I got home I was too mentally exhausted to go prop hunting so I decided to work on the art work for the location. But not before procrastinating by preparing the slate.

Later that evening I got up the courage to ask San Diego-based musician Nena Anderson for permission to use one of the songs from her latest album. This is always a tricky endeavor because event though you wouldn’t know it from looking at me, I’m pretty shy. It worked really well when I propositioned the Truckee Brothers and I was hoping Nena would say yes. I had already played the song over and over and visualized it along with the film’s images and credits and I was pretty married to the idea.

I’m a firm believer in using original songs and music from indie musicians and composers. Why use a copyrighted song you’re never going to get the rights for anyway instead of giving talented people a chance to showcase their work? It’s pretty tacky and lazy.

This is the email I sent to Nena:

Hi Nena.

As you know, I love your new album and my favorite song is Daggers. It came into my life at the right time: heartbreak. Ha ha ha.

Anyway, I'm shooting a short film next Saturday. It's a comedy called "Heartbreak in __ Cuts." The blank refers to the number of cuts in the editing, so I won't know until the film is finished. It's about a freshly-dumped girl dealing with a broken heart in one day. I think Daggers would be perfect and I would love it if you'd let me use it with film festival rights.

The film is already slated to screen at the Broad Humor Film Festival in Venice and at a curated film exhibition at the Museum of Contemporary Art in San Diego in La Jolla in August. And I plan on submitting to Sundance and other comedy and shorts film festivals.

I hope you're having a nice weekend and to hear from you soon.

Cheers, Teri

Within half an hour, she replied yes and asked me to send over a release. I jumped from my seat elated and of course Pepa got up instantly and we danced and danced across the wooden floor.

Listen to "Daggers" and the whole Beyond the Lights album HERE

So things are coming along pretty nicely and I can’t help but being paranoid. What will go wrong? Other than being dumped by my boyfriend who was supposed to produce the film that is.

Stay tuned.

* * *

P.S. If he were not dead, today would be Stanley’s birthday.

A film is - or should be - more like music than like fiction. It should be a progression of moods and feelings. The theme, what's behind the emotion, the meaning, all that comes later. -- Stanley Kubrick

No. 3: I hate LA because…

2011-07-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

It fucking made me cry over an $88 parking ticket. In front of the fucking meter maid.

Every morning I stop at a corner coffee shop, run in and get my espresso. Sometimes there’s parking and sometimes there isn’t so I just park in the red zone because it only takes a minute or two to do my business. The door was barely 10 feet away from the car and meter maid A. Sanchez could have peeked in and said “I’m about to give one of you a ticket.” But no. Instead he entered my license plate at lightning speed since it was literally one minute between the time I got out of the car and the barista alerted me of his presence. He said he wasn’t trying to be an asshole. I wanted to say, you’re right. You’re not trying. You are an asshole. Instead, my emotions got the best of me and I couldn’t hold back the tears. He said “you can go back in and get your coffee, just leave the ticket on the windshield.” What da fuck. I told him I just wanted to get out of there. He looked at me as if he had never seen a woman cry over a ticket. Right.

Or maybe I was just crying because, despite all my efforts in the past four weeks, I still love him.

Happy Monday.

Production Journal: Prequel film stills

2011-07-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Living in Los Angeles forced me to find the beauty in everything. This practice became a tool to keep my sanity. It’s not easy. Almost everything in this city is ugly, dirty, mean and difficult.

Cassavetes: Shadows (Lelia Goldoni Q&A)

2011-07-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

This set of videos is from the Lelia Goldoni Q&A before the screening of Shadows back in March at the Cinefamily. Stay tuned for video from the Seymor Cassel, Ben Gazarra, Gena Rowlands Q&As and more. It was an amazing series. The Cinefamily is putting on some great stuff and you should check it out.

Part 1: Introduction

Lelia talks about her memories of The Silent Film Theatre (now The Cinefamily)
"...films that are important for people who want to be artists to see."

Part 2

The origins of Shadows, leaving Los Angeles for New York and meeting John.

Part 3

"It seemed to me that he was always in a state of discovery, which I think life is actually all about."

Part 4

"There was no character to discuss. It was us."

Part 5

"When you're in a circumstance with those who you know and trust, you are likely to dare to do things more on a personal level."

Part 6

"It was the doing of it."

Art in the Streets

2011-07-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

If you're in Los Angeles or near by, don't miss MOCA's Art in the Streets exhibition. It ends August 8th. It's one of the best exhibits I've ever seen.

From the website:

Art in the Streets is the first major U.S. museum survey of graffiti and street art. Curated by MOCA Director Jeffrey Deitch and Associate Curators Roger Gastman and Aaron Rose, the exhibition will trace the development of graffiti and street art from the 1970s to the global movement it has become today, concentrating on key cities such as New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, London, and Sao Paulo, where a unique visual language or attitude has evolved. The exhibition will feature paintings, mixed media sculptures, and interactive installations by 50 of the most dynamic artists and will emphasize Los Angeles's role in the evolution of graffiti and street art, with special sections dedicated to seminal local movements such as cholo graffiti and Dogtown skateboard culture. A comprehensive timeline illustrated with artwork, photos, video, and ephemera will provide a historical context for the work.

Production Journal (Heartbreak in ? Cuts*): I am NOT alone.

2011-07-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was making a list of all the stuff I need to do this weekend for my shoot next Saturday and of course I start freaking out. It’s been a while since I shot a film with actors and a crew and I had forgotten what freaking out feels like. I freak out in silence by the way. No one has ever seen me freak out. Well, my dog Pepa saw me four weeks ago when my boyfriend dumped me and it’s funny because what a coincidence that’s what my comedy short is about. *wink*

I’m not freaking out over the stuff I have to do. I just have to do it. But making a list of stuff I have to do makes me think about the unknowns. In this case, they are big fucking unknowns. I’m working with two actors I’ve never worked with before. The female lead is great, funny and quirky and I’m not worried she’ll deliver. Still, I don’t know what it’s going to be like working with her. I don’t want to disappoint her. The other actor is Pepa.

The biggest unknown is working with a brand new camera. I wouldn’t have an issue with a film camera, but I’m using the Canon 5D Mark II DSLR. It’s not a proper video camera and, frankly, the post production issues I’ve heard about are giving me nightmares. (Last night I dreamed I had sex with Morley Safer because he was an expert on the camera. Yup. Whore for film.) I confess that I lack in post production expertise. Start talking about compression rates and smoke starts to come out of my ears.

So while I was beginning to hyperventilate in silence, I check my email and see that my friend Giancarlo Ruiz can come and help me with the shoot next weekend. You cannot imagine the relief I felt. Giancarlo is a filmmaker from Mexico and he does it all; well-rounded artistically and technically savvy as well. You have to be that kind of filmmaker when your resources are limited. Earlier this week I told him about my neuroses about this shoot and he replied to me with long, jargon-filled paragraphs about how to handle the heavy footage from the 5D. I freaked out even more and that’s when I asked him to participate. And now I have the good news that he is and I can relax for a bit.

Now I just basically have to worry about making Tic Tacs look like sleeping pills and Pepa hitting her marks.

Tomorrow it’s off to telecine the super 8 footage for Prequel, the other film.

*Note: The question mark refers to the number of cuts in the edit, which is unknown at this time.

Production Journal (Prequel): The promise of something great.

2011-07-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

What a relief. I just received my processed super 8 film. Safe and sound. One less thing to be anxious about.

Now I have to deal with the anticipation and the excitement. What exactly did I capture on film? I won’t know until Saturday when I telecine. The wait is killing me, but I must be a masochist because it’s also exhilarating. I guess this is why I love shooting film and not video. With video, it’s right there in front of you. There are no surprises. You know pretty much what you’re getting.

It seems I’m always trying to relive the moment when I made my first print in the darkroom. Sliding the piece of paper in the tray filled with Dektol and seeing the image slowly appear was one of the most exciting moments of my life.

Perhaps I cling to film because it has always had within it the promise of something great. So I will continue to shoot film until they take it away from me.

“You want to make a film? Steal a camera, steal film stock, sneak in to a lab and do it." - Werner Herzog, from Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe

No. 2: I hate L.A. because...

2011-07-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

there's too much to see and do.

AND TOO LITTLE TIME.

live art
MAKE art

No. 1: I hate L.A. because…

2011-07-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it makes me think of my birthplace.

Everyone hates L.A. Even people that have never been here.

Why do you hate it?

Production Journal, Prequel: Film is not dead.

2011-07-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

I went out to shoot super 8 footage around my Los Angeles this weekend. First, I stopped to get a car wash, because frankly, it’s embarrassing when your car is crunchier than a granola bar. While I was shooting the workers at the car wash an angry Mexican man ran after me flinging his arms and shaking his head. “You can’t photography in car wash!” I gave him my best “the hell I can’t look” but he continued to yell at me.

“Why not?”
“No, you can’t!”
“Why the hell not?”
A louder “No you can’t!”

I switched to Spanish to appeal to our shared Mexican heritage. “But I’m an artist. This is for the museum. Museum. You know the museum? No one is going to see it. Don’t worry about La Migra."

He replied, in English, “No. No. No photography the car wash.”

I wanted to tell him that this was precisely the reason why I was making this film. To give him and his oppressed brethren a face and a voice of some sort. But I didn’t and I sat down in the waiting area. It didn’t take long before the parade of brown, sweaty and exhausted faces rubbing cars with dirty red rags flared up my itch to continue shooting. The hell with it. I can deal with getting yelled at again. So I started to shoot intermittently while the man that chastised me came and went. It was difficult to keep it on the down low because a toddler was fascinated with my camera and kept trying to grab it. His mother did nothing about it even after I told her I didn’t like kids. A few minutes later their car was ready and they left. I continued to shoot, trying to zoom in the faces. Then a girl and her father sat down next to me and at hearing the camera’s motor running the little girl stood up and planted herself in front of me totally invading my personal space. Her father asked me, “Film?”

Yes, FILM. FILM. And can you get your daughter away from me and my camera please? Thank you.

Note: A week ago I could have grinned and put up with these kids’ affronts. If I appear too direct is because it seems I caught some strange bug that doesn’t allow me to put up with any more bullshit. I have no idea how long it will last but so far it’s working for me.

He replied, “Film? Really? Film? No video? Film?”

“FILM!” Then I saw the worker’s arm go up and wave the rag. My car was ready. I gave him a tip and headed for MacArthur Park.

I’ve driven by MacArthur Park many times on my way home from work and the closest I ever get on foot is when going to Langer’s Deli for the Number 19, which is not often. Thinking about a perfect pastrami sandwich, I've seen a multitude of tired, poor people come and go from one end of the street to the other. I saw but I didn’t really see.

I parked, loaded the camera and got out of the car. I looked around and then photographed a continuous 360 degree shot. Then I heard a voice ask, “Film?” I lowered my camera and saw a man whiz by me, still asking, “Film?”

Yes, film!

I felt intimidated and completely out of my element. Was I there to be exploitative for the sake of my art? Recently I was called, among other expletives, a “bitch snob” by the man I loved and I’m feeling wounded, insecure and vulnerable. These emotions can destroy a filmmaker’s courage. I tried to zoom in the people’s faces, first with my eyes. I had to be sure of myself before I could intrude with my camera. What right did I have? This film wasn’t really about them. It was about me. A self-portrait in a particular place and time. I was there to see with my lens, not my eyes, and to try to make sense of my life. I had lied to the angry man at the car wash. The oppressed my ass.

“The message is not in the code. The code is the message,” I thought.

I walked around, shooting, zooming, changing the frame rate, dodging angry homeless, ignoring men’s hissing advances, hoping the birds wouldn’t shit on my head, feeling sorry for those people, for me, for everyone. We’re all thrown in together in this cruel city, but we couldn’t be more far apart.

Still, even though I feel alone with my minced heart, I’m still so lucky for so many reasons. I’ve been alone and then I wasn’t and now I’m alone again. But being alone again is different now. Something has changed. Before, reality seemed inaccessible to me. Something was denying me the true perception of reality. This was it. My fear of the future demanded that I change the images of the past and present.

Then, another guy walked by and asked, “film?”

Yes, film.

Prequel

2011-07-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

Still from Prequel

I'm working on a short expressive documentary entitled Prequel. I suppose it's my own version of Chris Marker's Sans Soleil and Guy Maddin's My Winnipeg shot on video and super 8 film. We'll see. The film will screen on August 25, 2011 at the Museum of Contemporary Art, San Diego in La Jolla. More details to come.

I hope to see you there.

Still from Prequel

This is why he’s King of the World!

2011-07-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

“Pick up a camera. Shoot something. No matter how small, no matter how cheesy, no matter whether your friends and your sister star in it. Put your name on it as director. Now you’re a director. Everything after that you’re just negotiating your budget and your fee.” —James Cameron

I’ve said it and you don’t pay attention to me. Cameron is saying it. Do what he says. Godammit. Make your own goddam film.

A lesson learned and earned.

2011-07-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've had this poem on my refrigerator for a couple of years now. I didn't really know what it meant until a few days ago. I continue my journey, thankful for the knowledge.

"there are worse things

than being alone

but it often takes

decades to realize this

and most often when you do

it's too late

and there's nothing worse

than too late"

— Charles Bukowski

Listen up Funny Girls!

2011-07-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

The finalists for the FOX/NYTVF comedy screenwriting competition were announced recently. Out of 25 scripts with 36 writers, only four are women, and only two were solo writers The other two women were in writing teams with men.

Click here for the finalists list.

I would have entered but I didn’t know about it. Also, I don’t write half-hour sitcoms and, honestly, I think the only show I could write for would be Louie.

Put a reminder on your calendar for next year ladies.

Casting Call: The Zip Up

2011-05-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you may already know I have won two screenplay categories at the Broad Humor Film Festival for two years in a row. That makes me an alumni and eligible to submit a Legacy Project short.

Toward that end, I’m starting the casting process for The Zip Up, a comedy short. Please be so kind as to forward the information below to your actor friends as you see fit.

CASTING CALL

Logline: Because she lives alone, a woman goes to great physical lengths to zip up the back of her dress.

Seeking both Union and Non-union actors for two roles: The Woman and The Man

The Woman: Funny, petite to medium size, 20s-30s, striking/quirky/unusual facial features preferred.

Must have great physical and comedic improv skills. There’s a script, but I will rewrite and play to actor’s skills and strengths. This will be a very collaborative process.

The Man: Funny, 20s-30s, open to physical built, but striking/quirky facial features preferred

One-day shoot in early July 2011 in Los Angeles (Silverlake).

Tentative audition dates: June 11, 12, 18 and 19, 2011 in Hollywood.

NO PAY, but you will receive mileage reimbursement, meals, copy, IMDB credit and guaranteed comedy festival play.

Please e-mail headshot, resume and reel (if you have one) to casting@dizzydentfilms.com

Once you are invited to audition, you will receive a location, date and time.

Thank you.

Sorry, yes...I’m one of those people.

2011-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

No, I have not abandoned my blog permanently. It’s just that, well…I have a brand new boyfriend and my mind is elsewhere at the moment and I’m sure you understand. It kind of sucks for you because I do have a lot of exciting stuff to blog about; such as a very informative and eye-opening seminar I went to at the Cinematheque regarding festival strategy and the very inspiring and mind-boggling John Cassavetes retrospective (with video of Q&As) I went to last month at the Cinefamily. I start my vacation on Wednesday night and I will try to update the blog the week of May 2nd. That week I’m attending the Sofia Loren tribute at AMPAS which should be a special event.

Please be patient. I’ll get to it. In the meantime, I’m just going to be over here, listening to love songs, drifting into thought and sighing.

Have a great Easter/Passover.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel...

2011-04-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

It’s fitting that Abel Ferrara, the man behind edgy tales about New York’s underbelly (Bad Lieutenant, King of New York) and one of the least reliable and most undisciplined directors, would salute the history of Manhattan's legendary bohemian abode of debauchery. The free-form, erratic and absorbing Chelsea on the Rocks celebrates the haven for insolvent-but-creative personalities and artistic voices. The nearly 130-year-old red brick pile once considered an untouchable, impenetrable tower for hedonist (and doomed) writers, artists, musicians and free-spirits, has been recently claimed as New York’s equivalent to Hollywood’s castle of artifice, the Chateau Marmont. It has been turned into a boutique hotel venture for the rich elite run by a management company that shows complete disregard and disrespect for its formidable history.

A long time brand of the bohemian scene, the 250-room Chelsea Hotel on West 23rd Street was built in 1883 and has served as a hotel and residential building since 1905. It has offered a temporary and permanent home to an army of famous, infamous, unknown artists, musicians, filmmakers and other hipster types, from Mark Twain, Tennessee Williams and Arthur Miller to Warhol Factory actor Paul America, Dylan Thomas, Thomas Wolfe, Janis Joplin, William Burroughs, the Grateful Dead and Quentin Crisp. Ferrara intersperses his archive material with scrappy dramatic re-enactments of famous moments at the hotel and interviews of current and recent residents, including actors Ethan Hawke and Dennis Hopper, director Milos Forman and cartoonist R. Crumb, who tell stories of fires, puking, snorting, suicides, overdoses, orgies, wild parties and other real-life intrigue that went on behind the cultural icon's welcoming and alluring doors. The talking heads also pay tribute to the jovial Stanley Bard (also interviewed), who owned and managed the hotel for decades, and whose soft spot for artists and lax attitude toward credit and rent collection created a sanctuary for many financially-challenged residents. He allowed creative types to fall behind on their rent and had wealthier tenants pay more to subsidize the truly starving artists. In 2007 the shareholders decided cool hotels like the Bowery made for a more lucrative business than the ramshackle establishment run by Bard, and voted him off as manager.

Yes, Leonard Cohen slept with Joplin at the Chelsea in the ‘60s and Andy Warhol shot Chelsea Girls in various rooms, but as we travel from room to room, it soon becomes apparent that the hotel is equally famous for celebrity dissipation and death—notably poet Dylan Thomas, who slipped into a coma from alcohol poisoning, and Sex Pistols’ bassist Sid Vicious’ girlfriend Nancy Spungen, who was found fatally stabbed in room 100. Ferrara’s decision to reenact some of these events with completely inappropriate actors is a major error in judgment. Model Jamie Burke creates the worst Sid Vicious impersonation on record, while the always ridiculous and never believable Bijou Philips can’t even make an impression as a shrill Spungen. The Janis Joplin near-collapse sequence is even worse.

Like its maker, Chelsea is messy, relaxed, eclectic and a bit crazy. Ferrara is by no means a great interviewer; he constantly interrupts, interjects profanities and incoherent commentary in a rasp, wanders into a shot at one point, and doesn’t even bother to make our life easier by identifying the interviewees with title cards, some of whom are hardly well-known faces. The celebrity interview quotient could have been much higher given that Sam Shepard, Patti Smith, Courtney Love and many more living celebrities stayed and lived there. However, Forman's segment is great; he reminisces about the wild days when he lived there as a struggling and penniless filmmaker (rent-free of course), and Ethan Hawke (who moved in after his marriage to Uma Thurman fell apart and Bard offered him a room for free so he could get her back) makes a surprisingly engaging storyteller.

Chelsea gradually grows in stature and the longer we spend inside its cockeyed world, it makes a weird kind of sense. Despite Ferrara’s efforts, Chelsea is able to charm quite often, especially with its grainy clips of the Grateful Dead jamming with the real Joplin and an amusing Hawke impersonating Bard telling a story about Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. The often inscrutable but still fresh and surprising documentary manages to take its all-too-memorialized and romanticized subject not so seriously and yet treat it and the people around it with respect. Chelsea is a convivial portrait of a cultural beacon that draws its aura from all of the tenants who helped create its legend. It seems to ooze danger and joy and is an example of a grungy New York that no longer exists.

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,

I can't keep track of each fallen robin.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,

that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

(from Chelsea Hotel No. 2 by Leonard Cohen)

Movie Star Monday

2011-03-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

Screenwriter, don’t be a sourpuss party-pooper.

2011-03-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Right after the Oscars, cyberspace was buzzing with tweets from screenwriters ragging on Natalie Portman for not thanking the writer during her speech. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: screenwriters need to get over themselves. No one cares about a screenwriter’s feelings and their precious words but screenwriters. Sometimes. I’ve never heard of an editor bitching and complaining about not being thanked in an acceptance speech. And you know what? Editors are the ones that should be thanked by actors. The magic happens in the editing room.

When you decide to hand over your screenplay to the people that will make it a movie, you must know that you are giving up all rights to your creation. Isn’t that what you want? For those 120 pieces of paper to become a movie? You cannot know what kind of movie your script will become and you have no say in it. For you the writer, that’s the end of the road unless get called in for rewrites.

I can say this without any concern for what other screenwriters might think of me because I’ve been there. I used to be attached to my precious words and sentences. When it comes to screenwriting, this attitude is quite delusional, idiotic and amateurish. (Hate me if you must, but it’s the truth you will learn soon enough.) If you understand and are familiar with every aspect of filmmaking, you know that a script is just words on paper. A film is a combination of lot of things. A lot of things. A director’s greatest fear is that one misstep or bad decision can ruin her movie. You don’t know what fear is until you’ve directed a movie. More specifically, until you’ve been through the casting process. The most traumatic thing to a writer/director is making the journey from her imagination to committing to an actor. You are constantly asking yourself “Can this person be that character and can I trust them to make this film the best it can be?”

With the exception of Shadows, John Cassavetes’ films were heavily scripted. However, he often started filming without having a complete script; sometimes even with just a few pages. He’d work out the story during rehearsals and filming and he would stay up all night writing the next day’s scenes. Like Mike Leigh and a handful of other directors that work in a similar way, Cassavetes understood what is required to get at the truth and make the best film possible.

I’ve been attending the John Cassavetes retrospective this month at Cinefamily and earlier this week I saw Minnie & Moskowitz. I had seen it once before years ago and it wasn’t the film I remembered. I can honestly say that I didn’t get it then but I sure did this time. It is in Cassavete's films that you can see clearly how all the work and dedication to the final product pays off; from story inception, to allowing actors freedom, to getting the best out of every performance in the editing room. What follows illustrates this beautifully.

One particular sequence that shook me to the core is at the beginning of the film when we first meet Minnie (Gena Rowlands). The sequence is below and it runs to about 5:50.

I’m in awe of this sequence. It’s as if Minnie is speaking to me and through me, especially when she says “you know, quotes feminine.” I wondered how Cassavetes knew something only a woman could know. My admiration for him grew even more. The next day I consulted the shooting script, particularly the first 30 pages. It was fascinating to see exactly what made it to the screen and what was added during the performance and changed during the editing. I’ve posted two pages from that sequence below. As you can see, Cassavetes didn’t write that line, Gena added it during shooting. I knew it. A man would never know what that was about, let alone think it.

If you compare the sequence with the pages, you’ll see that quite a bit was improvised, especially on Florence’s part. (Florence, a non-actor, was Seymour Cassel’s mother-in-law by the way.) You will also note how the scene ends abruptly, almost cutting off Minnie’s line. That’s pure Cassavetes. (There are quite a few pages in the script that were shot that didn’t make it into the final cut.) He hated structure, rules and all that bullshit.

Can you imagine a screenwriter bitching and complaining about that scene, that the actors went off script and were not faithful to his carefully calculated words? Such a writer is not completely committed to making the film the best it can be. Filmmaking at its best happens when a daring group of people have the freedom and passion to create. So yea, screenwriter, don’t be a sourpuss party-pooper.

So you see, this whole business of giving credit, taking credit, awards, thanks and acceptance speeches is pure idiocy. The way we thank each other is by looking at the finished product and knowing we all did the best we could and being proud of it. And by doing it again.

The best thing you can do for yourself as a writer is to direct, or at least, produce a film of any length. Not only will you learn about the process, but you will discover things about yourself you didn’t know. It will help you get over yourself, I guarantee it. It will free you from those things that do not matter. Precious words on paper are only a small part of the equation.

Lunch Time Activities

2011-03-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

there’s something written in the sky

I KNOW IT'S ONLY LUST

A Monday story in noir

2011-03-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

We live as we dream, alone.

Thoughts and Prayers

2011-03-11T13:02:00.000-08:00

TRAGEDY APPROPRIATED AND REINTERPRETED

PITY, OR THE VACUOUS EXPRESSION OF CONCERN

BETTER CALL YOUR STOCKBROKER

YOU ARE CURSED WITH SUPERFICIAL EMPATHY

When the world becomes artificial, I start to hide from it.

2011-03-08T14:41:00.000-08:00

So close, yet so...so... so... far away...

2011-03-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for over five years and it may surprise you that I’ve never hiked up to the Hollywood Sign. I’m not a hiker although I’ve always thought about doing it more often because it’s so good for you and so goddam fun, right? But it’s more work than stepping out your front door and just running. You have to research the trail, look up how to get there, drive there and then walk endlessly up and down hills under the hot sun. Oh and carry water and granola and wear sunscreen and hats and special socks and protective Chapstick. This past Friday it occurred to me to go ahead and get it over with and I drove down Franklin to Beechwood Drive to get to the Hollyridge trail.

First, OMG the houses on Beechwood. Second, OMfuckingG the houses on Beechwood. Third, that’s the one thing about living in Los Angeles that I hate the most. Envying what others have. It will poison your body from head to toe. Other than fear, it is what drives people in this town. Envy. Envy will make you forget who you are.

I arrived at the trail and had no problem finding parking. I decided my water bottle was too heavy and burdensome to carry with me and that I would be okay without water. It wasn’t that hot and it was highly unlikely I’d end up like Sally Menke. Now that I think about it, she probably thought the same thing. A couple of German tourists asked me how you got to the Hollywood Sign. I pointed at a sign that said “Hollywood Sign That Way” and said “that way three miles up.” A dude that was sitting inside his car said “Are you serious? Three miles?” I told him that the website I checked said it was a three mile hike. He asked me if there was another way to get there. I shrugged I don’t know thinking what a lazy ass that dude was and got on my way.

I got hot right away and wondered if I should go back and get the water bottle. I didn’t. I just kept on going while tourists on horseback passed by me. Looking at so much horse ass made me realize how wrong it is for humans to use horses for work and recreation. I used to ride in another lifetime and up until that day, I really missed it. I know, that’s a very PETA view from someone who used to jump fences wearing a fancy, red tailored jacket, but we all have the capacity to change, don’t we?

I swore I would never take a picture of a rock. Well, here it is. A stupid rock. I think I was just nervous and scared there was no one around.

I kept on going and saw The Valley. It doesn't look any better from far away. I noticed that you wouldn’t have any problem shooting on this side of the hill. I didn’t see one single person or horse. It’s a perfect location for the slasher genre and I started to write the script in my head. Then, paranoia and fear set in. I moved away from the bushes.

When I got to this water tower my imagination took over. Would they ever find my body if I got murdered up here? You see, I'm pretty stupid about these things. I never think the worst until I'm deep in it. I didn't really care if I put myself in danger before I got my dog. My death would never have affected anyone until now. It would take a while for people to notice that I was gone because it was the weekend and while my body decomposed behind a bush my poor pooch would be at home starving. It never crossed my mind that hiking alone would be dangerous. Still, I thought I was on the right track and decided to continue on my quest when...

...I turned around and saw the view below. The Hollywood sign is in front of that tower. Okay, so maybe I wasn't on the right path after all. I turned around and went downhill back to where I came from.

I finally encountered some more horseshit and felt relieved. The fact that I didn't see any on the path where I wandered off to should have been a signal that I was on the wrong track.

This is where I should have u-turned and gone up the hill, instead of going straight around the hills. I looked at the clock. I had been hiking for 1.75 hours. I was tired, hot and very hungry. Still, I went up to investigate, saw that the Hollywood Sign was still very far away, and turned around.

After another 15 minutes, there it was and there were the tourists taking photos. I felt like a failure and I was craving red meat and I was cranky and fuck it.

This is how I celebrate failure: with a meal from Mexico City in Los Feliz.

My ass is still sore three days later but at least I got a good workout. I'll try to climb up to the sign next weekend. If I don't have anything better to do.

Blue Monday Commute

2011-03-07T11:53:00.000-08:00